Embedded Files
Please rotate your phone for best viewing experience.
By Serena Hanlon
By Serena Hanlon
As a mother of one, then two, and now three, I can confidently say that motherhood is my calling and where I have found my purpose. Within motherhood, I have myself. In motherhood, I have also healed and been triggered to reveal what still needs healing, all while I feel happiest and most fulfilled. It is in motherhood that I have also found myself in dark times and had to pull myself out.
I was a blissful and dare I say it, naive “this is too easy” first-time mother. When I just had one child, I could never understand other moms' struggles. God saw I was getting too confident and humbled me real quick. During my second pregnancy, I experienced prenatal and postpartum depression for the first time. The transition from one to two children was such a hard one. The feelings of being extremely alone and without support weighed heavily on me. There was an intense feeling of guilt seeing my first baby be such a baby herself still while her mommy was recovering from her c-section and caring for our new baby.
There were many heavy things in my life I was navigating during that time that continued to weigh me down even more. My middle child’s infant months were such a blur for quite some time. It’s hard for me to look at old pictures and videos of my oldest and middle child because I get so emotional
wishing I could go back to those days and relive them with a clear mind. Those tender moments remain a blur, lost in the fog of pure survival mode when each breath felt like a victory. It’s cruel how much mental health takes away from your motherhood.
When my middle child was about 8 months old, we suffered a miscarriage, but then became pregnant with our rainbow baby. By this pregnancy, I knew I had prenatal depression that then carried into postpartum depression again. My nights were spent using Google for hours, searching each and every thought or feeling I had, just hoping to get some answers or feel like it wasn’t just me. I felt so scared and so ashamed to admit it to my OBGYN during the depression screening, I was afraid if I answered truthfully, it would reflect on me as a mother. It felt impossible to share, so I lied and said I didn’t feel like I was drowning in depression and dark thoughts. This led to anger towards myself for feeling this way, how could I feel this way when I had beautiful and healthy children calling me mommy? What possibly could make me feel like this? Our family prayed for this life, I prayed to become a mother, and those prayers were met with suffering and depression.
Looking on the outside, there was no reason, but if only you could have sat with me and my mind for a minute, then you’d understand. My depression and dark times had nothing to do with my children, I felt the heavy weight drift away the moment my kids hugged me or told me they loved me. So why couldn’t it be that easy to fight my way out of the dark hole my depression was sucking me in? My baby was diagnosed with a heart condition, which in turn spiked my anxiety. I bought an owlet sock monitor while I was with him in the ICU for a few days. Target drive-up was our first stop after he was discharged, and his sock monitor lived on his tiny foot until it grew into a one-year-old foot. I bought a stethoscope to monitor his heart rate every 30 minutes to an hour. He was on heart medication three times a day for a year and a half. Until he was weaned off his heart medication I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Every night I would be checking his heart rate and oxygen levels on the Owlet app. This experience left me an anxious emotional mess.
Change is an area of growth for me and something I have had to work through because as a military spouse, we all know, change is inevitable. Moving across the world and experiencing such a drastic change in my life did not help. I let my depression and anxiety consume me for our first couple of months in Korea. I was scared to go out and explore which meant a lot of staying home. I’m a stay-at-home homeschool mom who doesn’t like to stay home, so when I stay home too long it affects my mental health. It took me a while to involve myself in the community. The move was such a drastic hard change from living in a home with a porch and yard to living in an apartment. The idea of an Early Return of Dependent was something heavily on my mind for my kids and me, so we could just go back to the comfort of the known in America.
One day I had a change of heart and perspective, what kind of experience was I giving my kids who came across the world as well by being depressed by it or not taking full advantage of this experience? As an introvert, you have to force yourself to get out of your comfort zone and put yourself out there to find a community for your family. Korea seemed to be the easiest to find community out of the other bases we’ve been at. Maybe it was only because this was the first time I actually sought out the community and put myself out there or maybe it’s because everyone is in the same boat being so far from family we all seek family within friendships.
When I began to make friends and talk about life experiences, we would share our postpartum experiences. Many mothers silently endure prenatal and postpartum depression. Had I known this years ago, the journey wouldn't have felt so solitary. If I had known it was normal, and that it didn't reflect on me as a mother, I would have reached out for help or support when I needed it most.
Society has a stigma around mothers whether you’re a stay-at-home mom, working mom, or both. There is an intense pressure to be picture perfect on the outside, have a perfectly kept home, and not look like a “hot mess mom”. But let’s be real, a mom bun is my signature look. During my postpartum years, my house was more than a mess. Cleaning on top of everything else was drowning me to the bottom of the sea and I couldn’t seem to swim up for air.
If you have a newly postpartum friend, besides being there supporting and loving her, the next best gift you can give her is to offer her help in cleaning or cooking so she can relax and just focus on her bond with her new baby and recovering. It is a blessing for me to be a stay-at-home, homeschooling mother and to have this role in my children’s lives. Some days I don’t change out of pajamas until 11 am, however by 11 am I have also fed a homemade from-scratch breakfast, helped three kids get ready for the day, broken apart sibling fights, helped regulate emotions, cleaned the 100th spill and its not even noon yet! I may have also made a second breakfast for them while I’m running off a few sips of tea, started homeschool lessons and read-alouds, but most importantly getting snuggles and love from my kids.
Over the last 3 years, the pressure I felt during my first few years of motherhood no longer consumes me, those chains are breaking. The fog from my postpartum years took away precious moments of my motherhood that I will never get back. I so badly wish I could embrace my postpartum self and tell her she would get through this and that it had nothing to do with who she was as a mother. The love I have for my kids is fierce and I strive to always be better than I was yesterday. I had to fight hard to crawl out of that fog, but now I am so high on my mountain that it will not reach me anymore.
A mother from our community shared her postpartum story with me. Chantal N. shared, “I knew something was wrong when I just felt dirty all the time maybe two weeks ago postpartum. I bought all kinds of soap and felt like I just couldn’t get clean. In addition, I couldn’t fall asleep for fear of my baby dying if I closed my eyes for a second, so I watched her like a hawk all night. I didn’t want anyone to touch her or hold her. Then the hallucinations started (I know now that it was postpartum psychosis). And I just started to feel so depressed and anxious. Then the panic attacks started and my blood pressure kept spiking. I couldn’t get a hold of myself. I was admitted to the hospital several times but everything was checking out as normal. I decided to talk to my psychiatrist and therapist who I had not seen in months. And I was immediately put on Lexapro and then I started going outside. And reached out to my community of women for support.”
Chantal then told me that meditation and mindfulness are skills that keep her grounded. My heart goes out to all the mothers. From one mom to another, I believe in you. You were or are never alone. You are so loved. It’s heartbreaking to know the number of mothers who truly feel like they are alone and instead of seeking help, we all just suffered quietly. There are resources and help out there for you. As much as society doesn’t normalize it, I promise, prenatal and postpartum depression is sadly a normal virus in our brains that we can heal from and not allow it to call our minds a home again.
Being overseas makes dealing with mental health more difficult so far away from our home, friends, and family. There are therapists here, medications available, gyms, a mom workout group, churches, clubs, and communities waiting to welcome you to help you through this. I am sending you so much love.
Mental Health Resources in Korea
Mental Health Resources in Korea
If you’re struggling with your mental, here are some supports for you.
Chaplains are religious leaders who work with military personnel and their families of all faiths to support their spiritual and moral well-being. From classes to personal counseling, military chaplains can help you and provide emotional and spiritual support.
Military and Family Life Counselors (MFLC) provide no-cost, confidential non-medical counseling to service members, military couples, and eligible family members, including spouses, children, and teens, with resources and support to help them cope with stress and address challenges head-on. MFLC contacts and service information can be found at the Army’s Community Services, Air Force’s Military & Family Readiness Center, Navy's Fleet and Family Support Program, and your military treatment facility.
Military treatment facilities in Korea offer specific support their their Behavioral Health Department. Here you can find clinical services including support from a psychiatrist, psychologist, social workers, and other services. Some clinics offer support group classes as well. While appointments can be hard to get, don’t forget to use their walk-in hours or reach out to the facility's Patient Advocate. Patient Advocates can be your voice, helping you get what you need quicker to help you thrive.
Off-installation providers also offer services. If you use Tricare, there is no referral required for dependents to see a counselor.
Reach out within your community. Together, we can make it through anything!
About the Author
About the Author
Serena Hanlon is a homeschool mother of three. Serena runs a children's book club that has been incredibly fulfilling for herself and her kids. She enjoys adventures as well as staying cozy at home cuddled up with a good book with a cup of tea. She enjoys all things hosting and gathering and finds joy in serving others.
Page updated
Google Sites
Report abuse